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lostandhopeful's Blog


Unwelcome

I feel as though I haven't posted in forever. Well here is the short version of the past little bit. My significant other lost his sister. A week later I lost my grandfather. The day after I lost my grandfather I lost my job. We had to start staying with James's father who allowed James's ex wife to move in as well. Although I have found a new job it is one that I have to stand on my feet all day at 8 months pregnant. ( still I am grateful for a job).

I feel so unwelcome here. It's like James's ex and James's brother are teaming up against me to push me out. When they fix dinner they only cook enough for them and James. They hide things that they think I might like. I contribute to the house as well and do my best to help but it's never good enough. I feel like I am loosing my mind. I feel so unwanted and unwelcome. I am trying hard to get my own place.

My baby shower was a disaster as well. Only two people showed up for it out of the thirty that said that they would come. I wonder if hormones are helping in this depression that I am in. I just need a friend that will actually care I guess.

Really?

I know it seems as if all I do is complain.  But this blog was formed so that Icould let out the feelings that I otherwise couldnt in public.  This blog will probably be kinda long as in the past week a lot of things have happened.  So here goes.
As you all know if you have read my blogs it has been a trying couple of months.  This week and last has put me over my stress tolerance.  Last Saturday my loves sister passed away.   It has been hard on him.  Extremley hard.  His dad has James's ex move in with him for a little while which is right next door to us.  It has been a constant battle for me. However, I knew at the time that it wasnt about me.  It was about James and his family.  So Idealt with it.  The funeral was planned and James's dad listed her as sister in law to James's sister.  Fine.  I can deal with that because James had no control over it and again it wasnt about me.  I had to be there for James.  The wake was planned for Monday and the burial for Tuesday.  We got through the wake and then the funeral. 
Tuesday night I recieved a phone call from my mother saying that my grandfather was VERY ill.  The doctor gave him 48 hours before he passed.  I broke down naturally.  My grandfather and I have been close my entire life.  I was always the favorite and he was always my favorite person.  At 4 this morning I got the phone call saying that he had passed.  I have cried off and on all day long.  The funeral is set for Sunday.
After the month or two that I have had I just dont know how much more I can handle.

Almost a wreck....

Today I feel very very blessed.  Yesterday, on my way to work, Inoticed a banging in my jeep while driving.  I thought at first that I may have had a flat tire.  I pulled over, checked all my tires including their pressure and after finding nothing wrong I proceeded down the road.  The banging started to get louder so again I oulled over.  This time I thought maybe it could be it could be the transmission like I was outof oil or something.  I checked the oil and added a quart as thats all it needed and tried again.  This time it easedoff a little, the sound, and then started getting louder.  As I got a few miles down the roadthe jeep started to shake.  I slowed down to 55 and then all hell broke loose.  Literally.  The front drivers side tire literally flew off the jeep into oncoming traffic.  I maneuvered the jeep to the side of the road while at the same time blowing my horn to warn the other driver that there was a tire coming at him.  I got out and looked.  The tire, rim and all, had come off.  The tire had hit the side of the mountain with such force that it busted it.  You could see on the rim where it hit.  The front fender was bent up due to the tire attempting to go under the vehicle but popping out instead. 
I called my boyfriend and told him what happened.  Naturally hisfirst response was worry over myself and our unborn child.  I assured him that I was fine and that I was just shaken up.  Thenhe said he was on his way.  When he got there he looked at the jeep.  He said it was a thousand wonders that the jeep didnt flip when it happened. 
I thank God for being with me yesterday and everyday that He is here.  I had a guardian angel with me yesterday.  I know that it doesnt seem like it would be that scary when a tire flies off while you are driving but it really is.  Especially in the mountains with oncoming traffic. 

oh well.

Well, today is the day that state comes in to check our books.  This morning I got to work to find an email with all of the things I have been doing wrong so far.  It seems like after I missed that day a while back I have beendoing everything wrong in my bosses eyes.  In turn I just keep trying harder.  I just dont know how much harder I can try.  I am terrified that State is going to find something wrong and I will be to blame.  My boss found some things in one of my books that were not the right name or even signed.  I know I didnt file that but I got the blame for it.  I have no idea how that got in there.  At the time I hadnt even checked that book.  Im not going to say anything though.  I know that she is stressed.  I wish things would go back the way that they used to be but I know that will never happen. 
I have decided not to stress so much over this job.  I am going to do the best that I can and let things fall where they lie.  The money is good at this job but the stress that I am putting on myself can not be good for my baby.  If I loose my job I just loose it and if I keep it then I just keep it.  Thats the only way I will be able to deal at the moment.

stress

As I sit here writing this blog I find my stress level is throught the roof.  I have a job that I absolutly love but I also have a fear of loosing it.  I know deep down that if I loose this job I will be fine.  James is not going to let us starve but still I fear loosing it.  Sometimes we just cant control our fears.  I am also stressed because of the paperwork that I am behind on which I should be caught up on today. 
On top of all this, I am stressed over finacial reasons.  It seems everytime I turn around the truck needs a new repair or something breaks in the house.  (Which I fully understand that shit happens but still it stresses me.) 
James seems to be the link that holds my sanity.  He keeps me calm even though I should really just cry.  I wonder if a lot of this is exagerrated because of my pregnancy hormones. 
Something good did happen yesterday though.  James won a 25 dollar credit card in a game on a sweepstakes so that helped lift my spirits as well. 
I just need it to be Friday already.  James is taking me on a weekend get away so that I can just relax.  He says absolutly NO WORK this weekend because he says I need time for me.  I love him.
This blog may not make much sense to some but I formed this blog just to vent and get things out.  It really helps.  :D

15 minutes can cause a lot of heartache.

What a start to a morning.  :(  I am a case manager at an independent case management company.  We do case management for the mentally disabled.  It is quite a rewarding job.  I love my clients as if they were my own children.  Today, I had a very important training to go to about an hour away.  Last night, I prepared my clothing, made sure I had the gas to meet the ladies I was riding with, and even told my boyfriend to make sure that I was awake in time.  It was scheduled that I would meet them at 7:30am about 20minutes from my home whichwas their office. 
I awoke at 630 and started to get ready.  I was completly ready to go by 6:50 which would have given me plenty of time to meet them.  I walk out to the Jeep to leave and notice that my tirein sitting on the rim.  Again.  No problem I thought.  I have plenty of time to air it with the air compressor.  I plug in the air compressor, wait a few minutes and then try and air it up.  To no avail.  I go back in my house, wake my boyfriend, who is very grumpy at me for waking him, and get him to check it out.  Needless to say by the time I leave the house it is 715. 
On the way I manage to get stuck behind 2 school busses, road work, and then some slow driver that seems to be drunk.  Lovely.  I make it to the office at 745 and no one is there.  Great.  My cell phone isnt working so I go to the office next door and use their phone.  When I get ahold of one of the ladies she tells me that she is 10 minutes away and to meet her there.  I jump in my Jeep, do70 to make it.  I makeit there in 15 minutes, again, traffic, and no one is there.  I call her again.  She says to just meet them at the meeting an hour away.  I call my executive director and explain the situation to her.  She is highly upset with me.  I do not have the gas to travel that far.  :(  My director had to cancel her meeting to go and flew to the meeting.
As of right now, I am sitting in my office, writing this, praying that I am not fired as my income isthe only income that we have.  My boss has missed a very important meeting in order to go to the one that I missed. 
I know that somehow this is all my fault.  I just hope that I can keep the same good relationship with my director and the other company. 
I find it amazing that 15 minutes can cause so much heartache.

A little about me...

I dont know if anyone will read this.  I am new to the blogging community as I have always been shy of such matters.  However, I hold a lot in and my friend has told me numerous times to write it out.  She says that if I share with a complete stranger then sometimes it will help me to get a more rounded view.  I am in high hopes that if I blog everyday that I will not only become a better writer but also maybe I will not feel as depressed all of the time.  So here goes.

I guess I could start by telling you a little about me.  My name is Laura.  I grew up in a small town in South Georgia where it was 110 in the shade during summer times.  I moved to Kentucky at the age of 22 to attempt to better myself.  It worked.  In Kentucky I managed to complete my BA in Social Sciences and I am still working on my Masters off and on.  I have a brand new baby on the way that I am very excited about as well as a job that most would kill for.  That is a little about me. 

I plan to post on here my "adventures" (good and bad) of this crazy life that I lead and hope that maybe I could have some insight as to why it is so out of control all the time.  Happy Reading.  :D

1-7 of 7 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Unwelcome, posted November 13th, 2012
Really?, posted October 18th, 2012
Almost a wreck...., posted October 6th, 2012
oh well., posted September 26th, 2012
stress, posted September 24th, 2012
15 minutes can cause a lot of heartache., posted September 20th, 2012
A little about me..., posted September 20th, 2012

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